For the sake of honesty, I thought I should share how miserable I am at the moment. This has not been what I consider an enjoyable pregnancy. I know some women have it far worse, but it is simply physically taxing to have 4 babies within 6 1/4 years. I would never recommend it to someone just starting out. We have chosen it largely because of my husband's age. It is doable, and I do not regret it for a minute, but, the fact is back-to-back pregnancies take a huge toll on a woman's body.
Backstory, Part One
Aside from being sick the first trimester, I have had increasing varicosities, new ones almost weekly on my left leg/side. These are painful and usually leave me limping by the end of the day. Rest helps, but rest is hard to find with three other kids to care for, feed, clean up after, etc. To add to my discomfort, I have a rib slightly out also on my left side. So my left side has been my weakness. This hasn't been that discouraging. I can easily overcome minor - though persistent - pain. I can sleep on my right side. No big deal. This is not the source of my grumbling.
Backstory, Part Two
Now, for those who know me in real life this probably won't come as news, but I tend to over-estimate what I can do/manage/commit to. For example, this week I told my husband it would be fine to rent out our kitchen, Sunday-Thursday, from 12pm-5pm. Yesterday was more like 1pm-8:30pm. This requires more food planning than I am really capable of at the moment. Today, I did manage to get a pot roast in the crock pot before 10 (they decided to get an earlier start in case it takes as much time as yesterday), but still, I didn't think about snacks. (Yesterday we ate chicken strips for lunch and pizza for dinner. I probably gained 3 pounds and I ended my evening lying in bed with heartburn.)
Anyway, the grumbling is not because of the rented out kitchen (nor the compromised meals). But to understand the next part, you have to understand the kitchen part. A rented kitchen means that there are a ton of extra things in the kitchen. There are things like clear, deep, food prep trays. These sort of things may get left on the floor. There are also three little kids who don't fully understand why they cannot help the nice people in our kitchen. Oh, and the food being prepared is all intended for raw consumption. Therefore it is all the more important that grubby kid hands and faces keep their distance.
The Story
Penny had scooted a stool over to the counter yesterday afternoon and I wanted to grab her before her little fingers found their way to the food on the counter. I meant to step
over a large clear tray on the floor to grab her quickly, but instead, I tripped on the tray rather ungracefully (remember, my center of balance is somehow not what it used to be!). Somehow, because of the size of the tray, I couldn't get my footing nor balance back. I fell hard. I fell on my side to avoid hurting my large belly. My shoulder took most of the fall. The outside of my right thigh came down on the side of the tray and left a nice welt and bruise. My head was knocked just enough to throw my neck out of alignment. I kinda hoped that perhaps all the jolting would pop my rib back into place, but that does not seem to be the case.
At first, I thought I was just beat up. Now that it is nearly 24-hours later, it is becoming clear I have broken or fractured something in my shoulder. I am fairly sure it is a minor fracture and nothing that some time in an arm sling wouldn't fix. But now my "good" side is damaged and, frankly, I am having a hard time not feeling discouraged. I am 36-weeks pregnant today. This baby could be coming anytime after next week. I already have felt ill-prepared (physically speaking) for labor. Now I am injured on top of it. My arms were such a crucial part of labor with Penny. Now I am not sure if I'll have the use of them. Now I have massive problems sleeping because my back is not an option at 8 months pregnant. Now I can barely fold laundry without crying.
I know that all this will pass. I know that soon - very soon - labor and pregnancy will be behind me and gone forever. I still trust in a good God who writes good stories - stories that don't free the characters from pain and consequences. I know pain and consequences have been the very best teachers in my life. I am grateful that the pain my shoulder let's me know when I am moving it in a way I shouldn't be while it heals.
I know all of this, but I still feel like it sucks. And since I am usually the kind of person who chooses to be happy regardless of my circumstances - and since sometimes that can make my life seem effortless and perhaps unreal to outside, internet, eyes - I just thought I would share with you that I am grumbling. I have cried a lot in the last 24 hours, and really, at the moment, I don't like my circumstances and the last thing I want to do is praise God for what He might be doing in them.
So, I guess I just thought you should know.
For the past few years we have had a November tradition of making a "Thankfulness Tree" (see 2009's). We add leaves to it daily with written notes of things for which we are thankful. Last year, the branch we found to make our tree was particularly pitiful. This year, I did not have high hopes for a better one from our walks so I decided to try for a thankfulness wreath by our door. As a result, we got a late start, but better late than never.
