My husband gave me a gift for my birthday that exposed many unexpected things. It was a watch. His card to me mentioned how grateful he was for the "time" we spend together. That was sweet. Now mind you, I am a 31-year-old girl who has never owned a watch - and that's not a coincidence. I don't like watches. I don't like answering to clocks and schedules. I keep my cell phone buried in my purse for emergencies, not for contact nor time telling. My husband knows this. At least, I felt like my husband
should know this. He felt like it was a very practical piece of jewelry (and don't get me wrong, it was beautiful and discrete
for a watch - it looked a lot like
this).
I was a little bit crushed. I felt like we'd been together for 8 years and yet he didn't know me at all. Or worse, I felt a little like he wanted me to be someone I am not (especially later, after he confessed to knowing that I don't care for watches but that he wants me to take status and presentation a little more seriously than my hippie-tendencies allow).
My internal debate was strong. I badly wanted to be grateful for a gift, given with loving intent, from my husband. The fact of the matter was I couldn't bear to wear the thing for more than 1-2 minutes (I can not say for certain how long for it did not occur to me to use the watch to figure that out). He, of course, noticed at once when I was no longer wearing it. I again tried putting it on and again it lasted for another couple minutes. I don't know how to describe it. It felt like a leash or a collar. I would have preferred jewelry (I think I told him many years ago never to buy me jewelry).
The other side of the debate was wanting to be honest and wanting to be known. It was such a nice gift and I had to tell him I hated it and would never wear it. I am not a career woman - and by choice. For me a watch represents all the things I do not value and have not chosen (no offense to women who love watches and careers, I just do not). My husband, of course, wants to know that kind of stuff. Our goal in marriage is to keep knowing and being known by one another. I am so grateful for that. To keep quiet would be to set the course for years of lying about appreciating things that I do not actually appreciate.
I suppose I knew that this new chapter of our lives would challenge us in new ways. For the 7+ years we have been married we have, primarily, struggled financially. We have learned to do marriage well amid financial difficulty. We have learned to love the mundane, the simple, the charmingly used, the lovingly handed down, and the mercifully gifted. We've come to love the intangible things like good communication, good romance, delightful children, wonderful friends, supportive community. These are the true riches, and we have had them plentifully.
 |
| Pleased with our vows |
With the very sudden transition to a job that takes us a few steps up from our previous financial standing, I knew we would be faced with new challenges in our marriage. I worried about what our life would look like together when struggling just to survive was no longer our grand mutual effort and our known pace. I can't say we're making this transition smoothly. It's weird, and in many ways I feel like I am suddenly married to a completely new person - and one I am not sure I like as much as the old one. Of course, I know he is ultimately the same person, and that we are simply learning a new normal and learning new sides of each other that our "survival posture" never exposed. I know we both signed on for life and I know we both fundamentally like each other a lot. We're still very good at talking, even about hard things like this.
 |
| The new purse |
The watch told me something obvious. It told me we don't know how to buy each other gifts because we've never been able to. Most people might have figured that out after 8 years together, but we're just embarking on it. It's not that we haven't learned a great deal about each other in 8 years, we simply haven't learned about buying each other gifts. It also told me something that was hiding under the surface. We want slightly different things from this new chapter of our lives together. I decided to compromise by using the returned watch money to buy a purse that I ordinarily would not have (I haven't spent more than $5 on a purse a thrift store for many years). It is still fairly basic and classic. I think it kept with the idea that he wanted my "look" to have a slightly more elevated status than my thrifted, hippie purses have. (I also got myself a second pair of
Tom's in a different color. Now that is what I call practical.)
The watch told me something else. Namely, that having more to learn about each other is a good thing. Further, having a partner who truly wants to keep discovering together is very good. If we had each other completely figured out, we'd have a lot of boring years ahead of us. I would never want the time we spend together to be bland.
)
This morning, he found she had written him back. I had seen this idea on pinterest some time ago and wanted to incorporate it into our tooth fairy routine. It was perfect for her to write him a response in a tiny, tiny letter, not to mention set the precedent from receiving letters along with his tooth money. He was so excited about the tiny letter. While I was barely waking up, he started asking me questions about what kind of materials fairies use to make paper. He also confessed that he had thought that the tooth fairy was really just me, but that I would have written a letter on normal sized paper. His fairy is compassionate, but firm. She only gave him part of his money, with the rest waiting for when the real tooth is under his pillow. Asking for money while also asking her not to take the tooth was a bold move by Søren. It was nice to know that his fairy is nice, but not a push over.
