Father's Day has never been a big holiday in my life. It is not because I am fatherless, though at different times in my history I have been (and in fact, am a true bastard as there is no father listed on my birth certificate!), but rather because all the father stuff in my history is so complicated. My biological father wanted nothing to do with me, and my mother was happy for that (as evidenced by her lying about knowing who the father was for the birth certificate!). I did not mind because as a child, I fervently loved the guy I did called Dad (and who was biologically father to my sisters). After 3 short years of having a full-time dad we didn't see him much as my parents separated. Then I took an interest in my biological father and was, of course, disappointed. Then my parents officially divorced. Feeling rather fatherless, I took an interest in "God the Father" and have not been disappointed.
However, my Dad did get better and we began to see him every other weekend, which seemed like the normal visitation schedule for all my other friends whose parents were divorced. I also got a new step-dad. My step-dad did not care for children and however much he might have liked me more than most kids, there still was not much there for father-daughter affection. I sought male affirmation from always having boyfriends. I dated good guys, so this wasn't as disastrous as it could have been, but they were unhealthy relationships given my underlying motivation.
As I grew up a bit I developed better and more meaningful relationships with both my Dad and my step-dad and even had sporadic contact with my biological father. My relationships with guys grew much healthier and I had the wisdom to leave the wrong relationship and embrace the right one when it presented itself.
Both of my father figures walked me down the aisle for my wedding, and for the moment (with several other father figures in my life at the time) I felt decently "fathered", though I had never granted any of them the kind of deference and authority and respect that I granted my mother, who was in many aspects the only real parent I've ever had.
Now I'm nearly 4 years into parenthood myself and have had the joy of watching my husband become a father. I have the joy of knowing that my boys have a loving and involved father. They adore him and idolize him as I think is appropriate for their age.
Sadly, my own father made a decision to stop being my father about the same time Andrew and I became parents. As any long-time follower of this blog will know, my father made a decision to become a woman. It's been nearly 4 years now, and I cannot say I've yet adjusted to this. In fact, I might have coped better for the first 4 years than I think I will for the next. This is because as my own boys age I desperately feel the desire for them to have a grandfather. They are fortunate enough to have a Papa on Andrew's side, but I mourn the loss of the grandfather my own Dad would have been. He, of course, loves that I have children, and would love to be involved in their life, but I do not know how to accomplish that under the circumstances.
It is strange to lose a father without actually losing the person. I can still call and chat with my Dad, Sarah. I email with him. Occasionally we see my Dad with his long blond hair and girlish attire. I do know how much he still loves us and how much I still love him. However, it is not the same. Sometimes I feel like it is harder to have him as a woman than to not have him at all. Most times I feel grateful that the person who knows my history as my father is still around, but I cannot help but hope that he might change his mind and decide to be a man again. Though we love each other, it is different and it is painful and I miss actually having a Dad.
So, father's day is bittersweet and I would rather skip it altogether, however, there are still 3 men in my life (my Dad, my step-dad, and my husband) who are supposed to be honored on this day. My own desires to ignore the holiday only punishes them all and I need to move beyond my own frustration to appreciate what I do have - three men worthy of loving.
My first experience catering for a large event (200+)
Me, the lovely graduate Jennifer, and our mom (most often referred to here as Gigi)
Me, the lovely graduate Jennifer, and our mom (most often referred to here as Gigi)
There was pool time at Gigi's
Ample time for grandson appreciation
He enjoyed himself
I was able to visit with my dear old roommate from long ago, finally remembering to bring a camera (as we were pregnant at the same time last time - her first my second - and again this time). This photo curtousy of Søren.
June also hosted many mornings and evenings on the back porch watching the garden grow. Harvests coming soon!
