Conversations with Søren: For Thanksgiving

Daddy laughs with Søren about something Elliot has done and says, "Elliot's a ham."

Søren replies casually, "I will eat him."

Conversations with Søren: The Nuances of Communication

Søren, while pretending to munch on a folded up piece of parchment paper, casually says, "I'm eating doe-na."

Momma, confused, asks, "Doe Na?"

Søren slowly reiterates, "Doea naa"

Momma, brows still furrowed, says, "Hmm?"

Søren, with finality, sings, "Doe na and a duck dog, D, d, D" (from Dr. Seuss' ABC's)

"Oh! Doughnuts!" exclaims Momma, "Thank you for the context!"

-------------------------

Søren asks Momma, "Where's my boangs?"

Momma, again confused, asks, "Boangs?"

Søren, considers trying to enunciate better, but then sighs and says, "My spiders and my grasshoppers."

"Oh, your bugs!" Says Momma, "Let me get them."

Photo Update

The things these brothers do together:

Are we happy? Oh yes, very happy.

Another rambly reply to a question...

After my last financially transparent post, I received the following question in the comment section: What philosophy have you guys taken in interacting with your boys about your financial situation?

This is an interesting question. I feel like we are striving to figure that out as we go and as the financial situation dwindles toward worse (not to be pessimistic...just realistic!).

I am awestruck at how malleable small children are. They largely accept the picture of the world their parents model. This stage of parenting has made me deeply understand how worldviews I find SO implausible (I am thinking of things like tribal sacrifices to wooden statues, or strange "superstitious" rituals, etc.) are not any more amazing than the things I present to my children and train them to imitate. I can turn on flame with the flick of a switch, make it look like day in the middle of night, talk to loved ones miles away on a plastic box, show them people flying across the country in metal containers, and many other supernatural wonders that have come from technology. Are these things any less amazing in the eyes of a child than going through the motions of ritual worship or seeing and learning "magic"? Not at this age (though, I think, more easily defended when they get to the age of scrutiny).

I say this to show the significance of why we try to demonstrate (and believe) a worldview that responds to these financial hardships lightly. For the most part, the boys are too young to understand. They do not realize we have less than other people. They do not realize what eggs for dinner several times a week implies. That makes it easier for us to make these sacrifices now.

Of course, they do understand change. Losing two vehicles and moving does send up their alert systems. With the vehicles, we gave them warning that it was time to give our vehicle back to the people (ahem...bank) who own it, and expressed appreciation that we were able to use it for so long and we did this without undertones of anxiety. With moving, we have expressed a lot of excitement about the people we will see often and the possibility of a back yard. They seem very happy about this so far.

They are kids. If they have a desire, they voice it. I protect them (and myself) from advertising
that would make them want material things all the time, but of course, it is everywhere. I feel fine telling them that we do not need x-desired-item, or that we do not have enough money for more of x-good. I am happy for Søren to share his desires, and he seems happy enough to let it go if I say no. So far so good. He is three.

Their whole lives we have been frugal. This last year has been the most bleak, but we were taken care of with severance pay and unemployment and it gave me enough money to invest in my pantry (25 pounds of beans, peas, oats, flours, or rice anyone?), cloth diapers, and homemade cleaning supplies. I have gradually learned to make almost everything we eat from scratch (yogurt, creme fraiche, bread, crackers, treats, drinks, dressings, sauces, etc.) which saves us money without sacrificing quality. I have put in a lot of labor just to have access to real milk. As a result, we have, by and large, enjoyed free real milk (which I will miss when we move, but I will find a way!). They do not know I am "frugal," they just think this is what homemaking looks like.

We try to show them that we measure a good life by love and laughter and we try to demonstrate thankfulness for the truly rich life we have in relationship with one another and so many dear friends (Truly and amazingly dear! Friends who bear burdens and share harvests. Most of you reading are my "in real life" friends, and I cannot tell you enough how much your prayers, support, gifts, and love has meant to us. Thank you! And for my "only through blog-o-sphere" friends, the support and encouragement from "strangers" never ceases to amaze me).

I am careful to communicate that my happiness and joy comes from people and relationships and not things. This is hardest, for example, when they break something (like treasured tea cups) I hold dear, or smear food butter on my books. Søren is always quick to ask "Are you happy, mommy?" when I am moaning, "Nooooooo!". I can reassure him (and myself), "Yes, I am happy, I have a wonderful family, but I am frustrated when you do not take care of our things."

I think that Søren is beginning to realize that material things are temporary. We have moved a lot and our concept of "home" is not yet strictly tied to a physical location. We have decided to sell certain things in exchange for other more necessary things. We have encouraged him to help sort through toys that we do not need (or that drive me crazy) that might be appreciated by another family. We have tried to hold onto things loosely. I hope he is learning to see the give and take that living life requires. As we do this graciously and fearlessly (at least as best we can), he is inclined to react similarly to the changes we experience, feeling secure and finding his identity in the stability of our love for one another. I hope and pray I model to him flexibility and contentment regardless of financial circumstances.

The greatest difficulty with our finances is that they sense/feel stress. They are so strongly attuned to us. We are also, woefully, imperfect parents (I know, gasps of shock!). Andrew's personality is not as even keeled as mine. He has strong moods, like waves crashing and receding, they are powerful, but also restrained to the beach. He feels everything sharply and wears his feelings on his forehead. I do love this about him, but under stress, this trait can cause uneasiness for the boys. This is where I think one of my biggest responsibilities as a mother is required; I am the interpreter. I constantly defend, interpret, explain, and build up Andrew in their eyes (not that it takes a lot of work or anything, they do adore him and he is a wonderful father and handling a lot of pressure very well). At this age, my opinion of their Daddy is fairly definitive and I do not take that position lightly. Likewise, I encourage understanding of, explain, and translate the needs of our boys to Andrew if he is tempted, when he has had a long day, to think they just whine all the time or act up for no reason, rather than see their underlying needs or see that our/his stress effects them.

I have also equipped Søren with language to express himself clearly, and help jolt me back to reality if I have lost my temper with him or perhaps escaped into the blog-o-sphere while on duty. He knows when to say, "Please don't talk like that mommy" or "Mommy, I need you snuggles" or "I just want Daddy to come home" or "Get off the computer and come play with me." It helps us all if he has words to use to explain himself rather than just having to act out in order to receive some attention (good or bad), and it helps me to have agreed upon phrases that function like "uncle!".

I think I have rambled on about my philosophy for parenting more than answered the question! Sorry, Mel, I hope you can find it in there, and thanks for the impetus to think through the question. My summary of my answer, after reading my own post: "Our philosophy is to model real contentment, place value on people/relationships, and talk about finances much like we talk about the weather, appreciating each season."

To others, how do you interact with your children regarding finances? Also, how to do help your children deal with stress and/or equip them to deal with the stressed-version of yourself? I would love to know.

Answers for one reader...

Today was rough for me, but made slightly better by finding these honest words from another soul daring to live life in all its raw glory (and all the better to find a comment from yet another). I would have left a comment after these words, but I am having a rambly verbally-processful evening, and have not posted anything in a while. So, here, dear one, are my comments:

How do I live life? Sometimes it does not feel intentional, but I try to only live in the day I am in. For example, today our only vehicle was repossessed. We are now completely car free. The upside? I had already done the much needed milk deposit at the bank this morning, and went to the grocery store last night to purchase enough food to last until we move. Really, I do not need a car anytime soon. How will we move? Well...we will figure that out. More important than the vehicle is coming up with the funds to take possession of that darling house I have begun to imagine my family living!

So, I walk by faith. Faith that if we were homeless for a few weeks, it would be a few weeks full of divine appointments, perhaps for my soul's benefit, or perhaps for someone else's. Who can know, but I trust God.

How do I face each day? It helps to know three men need me each morning, and might tear each other apart if I do not pull myself out of bed to make peace. I, like Summer, try to remember that I am only passing through, and the journey is not without purpose. Despite my alien status, I have enjoyed pretty comfortable lodgings. I try to remember I am here - exactly here, in every physical, emotional, financial, mental, spiritual sense of the word - for a reason. Either as a consequence from which I need to learn, or for the sake of another's life which I need to know, or perhaps for someone else who needs to know God through me, or yet again as a launching pad to the next place. I trust there is logos.

Lately, as finances get tighter and another "great depression" looms larger, I try to close my eyes and remember Ghana. I strain to hear the needs of people whose greatest need is water that will not make them sick or kill their children. I remember meeting women who longed for a safe place to use the bathroom at night without being violated and impregnated by strangers with HIV. I remember meeting people who did not know where their spouses, parents, or children were, nor if they were alive. I wash my face with cold water each night to help me remember these who have no warm water. That trip taken 6 1/2 years ago remains a beacon of perspective for me. Life could always be worse and in so many ways, I do not have a clue what suffering is (which, I do not believe is the same for you, my reader).

I know that the financial struggles are nothing compared to the emotional sufferings. If I have an enemy, I try to imagine how their life has led them to a place where they are trapped in so much unhappiness that they have decided to strike others with cruelty. This opens my heart to have compassion for them, though they try to destroy me (or others I hold dear), and gives me gratitude that God has decided to work on my own would-be-caloused-heart differently.

In my younger days, which were filled with far more emotional pains, I cried many nights to myself, and wrote many, many letters I never sent. Sometimes I find those letters and read them again to myself, ever grateful I let myself feel and that I let myself be raw, even if it was only with myself and God.

If you are younger than me (who is all of 28) can I tell you if it gets better? I want to say yes, but "better" is a strange word. I would not go back, if I could. I like the person whom these five sufferful years has wrought, though I am still adjusting to her reflection.

It is easier because there are closed doors now. It has made my life simpler. From 19-23, I was simply overwhelmed at so many choices and my great fear of not making the very best ones. Now, for good or for bad (as I said, I would never go back, I have no regrets - well, except for financing half my wedding), those doors are closed, and my world is smaller, in one sense, but I have also been met with exceedingly, abundantly more than I expected "domestication" would bring. Sometimes I miss the freedom that comes with the status "single" but only very briefly, as all those open doors still make me nervous.

Does life get more doable? I think so. With age comes defendable, self-chosen routines, and while seemingly boring, are more akin to a metronome setting the pace for inspirational music to flow forward at a tempo one can keep.

Sometimes I think what really holds me together is milk and porridge in the morning, singing to my boys before their bedtime, a cup of tea before my own, and all the habits that are required to make those things happen. There is great value in habit. If not, simply to draw our attention to the worthiness of the things that suspend those habits when we realize we still do not have it all together.

Officially

We heard last night that we got the house we were hoping for in Eugene. It is now official that we are sending all these boxes that are multiplying around our feet down to Eugene on the 25th.

Too much going on here to even stop to tell of it. How we will actually make it down by the 25th is a mystery, but we're walking by faith, and looking forward to getting settled in and then having some people over.

Oh, and the NaNoWriMo efforts are completely obliterated - but I think I will pick it back up for December or January in February.

Conversations with Søren: On Practical Theology

"Mommy! Look at all these people on this boat! People and animals and food!" Says Søren excitedly drawing momma's attention to his Little People Noah's Ark LOADED with nearly every little person and animal and food bucket he has.

"Oh," says Momma, "you packed food for all the people and animals? That's good thinking"

"Yea" says Søren.

Momma, observing the other two "boats" loaded with the remaining people and animals, says "You sure are saving a lot of people!"

"Momma," Søren says genuinely, "I will obey God."

"Oh, Little Man, I would like that. I will obey God too. Maybe we can help each other."

"He will say, 'Go to Nineveh' and I will listen; I will go," He explains to Momma, "And you can go with me."

"That sounds good, sweet boy, I will," Momma says while silently musing that the Little Golden Bible stories grandma bought Søren for his birthday, coupled with her own explanations of the stories, seem to have worked their way further into his psyche than she realized.

Help Needed:

A home - Preferably a house with fenced yard, and 3 bedrooms, under $1000 a month rent. in the Eugene or Portland Metro area. We have two, indoor-only cats with excellent references and need to move in before Thanksgiving.

A car - Something that will fit two car seats AND two adults, preferably something under $1500 that we can make payments on over a few months.

Any ideas? Feel free to send people our way, or email me "for rent" addresses you see. We are planning to be in Eugene this weekend to find something. My email is my first and last name at gmail dot com.

That's right, Eugene (though, of course, we are open to something popping up here, we're just not expecting it), the popular vote wins!

Um...speaking of the popular vote...I just heard a reporter refer to Obama as "not just the new face of America, but a planetary leader." Hmm....I think I will be keeping the brewing soap box to myself for the time being.

Moving Update

We were very excited about the potential of renting this house:






The house itself was a bit strange and choppy (originally built in 1939), but the space, layout, hardwood floors, and large yard made it very worth the price (there is as much yard in front of the house as behind it).

The man, John, who showed us the house shared with us that very few people had been interested in it. In fact, their craigslist ad requested that potential renters come and view it before contacting their office to help weed out the people who would take one look and run.

He said they had just lowered the price and still had no takers. We told him we loved it. He met the whole family. We told him our credit was shot, but our rental history was excellent. He assured us that nice people like us have nothing to worry about and that his company (he was working for his parents) has the final say and can override the recommendation of the credit report agency.

We decided to spend the $110 to apply. We started dreaming of the huge savings in energy, and rent, as well as having a playroom off the kitchen, hardwood floors through the whole first floor (read, no more food stains on the carpet under our dining table), and a huge fenced back yard (garden? chickens? PLAY).

We were a little worried as the a two day wait turned into five. This morning John called us concerned about something the credit report turned up. He was really concerned because it showed Andrew had changed his name five years ago (Andrew was adopted by an abusive man when he was 2, though he remained close to his deceased father's family his whole life and hasn't spoken to his adopted father in at least a decade. I told him that I was only going to change my name once, so that if he wanted to change his name back to his father's, to do it before we got married. So he did and I like the sound of Mrs. Scrivner much better than Mrs. Bryan.).

They were worried that Andrew had not disclosed this because he was hiding from the law (never mind there was NO section for past names or alias' on the form we filled out). Hello? If we voluntarily gave them permission to pull our credit reports, and they found it out, how well do you think we are hiding from the law.

Andrew dug out his personal file and faxed them immediately his birth certificate, certificate of adoption, social security card, and legal name change documents in an effort to calm their fears.

Then John - who had met all of us, mind you, and felt instinctively that we were good people, thus his assurances that we had nothing to worry about because his company had the final decision - started hemming and hawing about some criminal background that Andrew had not disclosed.

Andrew had NO idea what John was hinting at, and John was rather uncomfortable with confrontations. So John had his mother talk to Andrew to explain what his criminal history was (we have rented from an awful lot of different people and companies - even a VERY crazy lady - and this had never come up). John's mother was rude and accusatory and told Andrew that he was a liar and a criminal and that they would not rent to us.

So, the criminal background we failed to disclose? Aha! Eighteen years ago Andrew was driving himself and a couple friends somewhere, and one of them cracked open a beer as they drove by a cop. Andrew was the driver, Andrew got the ticket. A TICKET, which I am sure he paid (actually, as I remember the story, I think his friend paid him for it, since Andrew really had nothing to do with it).

This woman had basically decided that Andrew changed his name five years ago to hide from the fact that he committed so gross a crime eighteen years ago. Right. She said he lied when he did not disclose it on the form (which asked if we had any convictions or felonies....a ticket for an open container IS NOT A FELONY!). We also did not disclose our speeding and parking ticket histories either, but for the sake of transparency, let me assure you we both have had a few in the last decade. While I am at it, perhaps I should let you know I once backed out of a parking space into another car, but don't worry! My insurance paid the claim. Though I, too, changed my name within the past five years, it was not because of this incident.

I am trying not to be irate. They flat out told us that our rental references were glowing. We were told they had the final say (now she is saying that she does not have the final say, the owners do, and they are uncomfortable renting to a couple with such suspicious background). She has agreed to refund us our application fees, but I am a little sick.

I would be happy to be rejected because they do not like to take a chance on people with so many accounts in collections (never mind we always pay our rent on time), but this? And for her to call my husband verbatim "a liar and a criminal" is a bit much.

We also found out they have rejected quite a few other applications. At this point I am suspicious they do not want to rent the house (it is rather a dump, and likely in need of repairs to comply with basic renters rights). I think they are trying to pressure the owners (who sound aged) to sell (in this terrible housing market) because they are actually a realty group, and will make better money selling it for them than renting it for them.

I am tempted to ask all of my friends and family who read this blog to fax in personal references for us (despite the dumpiness of the house, it really offers so much more that would make up for it), but I think that would be reactionary (who am I kidding, this whole post is reactionary, and I am supposed to by NaNoWriMoing right now!). Besides, what are we going to do, change their minds and then have to rent from them? Ug.

Now we have to potentially take back our notice here, and yet still find some other place to rent as we cannot afford to stay here once our lease is up (or really, for the whole last year, but that's beside the point).

I think my grumbling is over. Thanks to any who have read my whole rant.

God must have something else in mind for us right now, and I really have learned to trust His judgment. He knows lots of stuff that I do not.

Knock on Wood

I actually exceeded the word count today for NaNoWriMo during nap time.

This might happen.

Still no word on the house, but we have been assured by the management company not to worry.

So...I'm not worrying, and trying not to hope too fervently.