Father's Day has never been a big holiday in my life. It is not because I am fatherless, though at different times in my history I have been (and in fact, am a true bastard as there is no father listed on my birth certificate!), but rather because all the father stuff in my history is so complicated. My biological father wanted nothing to do with me, and my mother was happy for that (as evidenced by her lying about knowing who the father was for the birth certificate!). I did not mind because as a child, I fervently loved the guy I did called Dad (and who was biologically father to my sisters). After 3 short years of having a full-time dad we didn't see him much as my parents separated. Then I took an interest in my biological father and was, of course, disappointed. Then my parents officially divorced. Feeling rather fatherless, I took an interest in "God the Father" and have not been disappointed.
However, my Dad did get better and we began to see him every other weekend, which seemed like the normal visitation schedule for all my other friends whose parents were divorced. I also got a new step-dad. My step-dad did not care for children and however much he might have liked me more than most kids, there still was not much there for father-daughter affection. I sought male affirmation from always having boyfriends. I dated good guys, so this wasn't as disastrous as it could have been, but they were unhealthy relationships given my underlying motivation.
As I grew up a bit I developed better and more meaningful relationships with both my Dad and my step-dad and even had sporadic contact with my biological father. My relationships with guys grew much healthier and I had the wisdom to leave the wrong relationship and embrace the right one when it presented itself.
Both of my father figures walked me down the aisle for my wedding, and for the moment (with several other father figures in my life at the time) I felt decently "fathered", though I had never granted any of them the kind of deference and authority and respect that I granted my mother, who was in many aspects the only real parent I've ever had.
Now I'm nearly 4 years into parenthood myself and have had the joy of watching my husband become a father. I have the joy of knowing that my boys have a loving and involved father. They adore him and idolize him as I think is appropriate for their age.
Sadly, my own father made a decision to stop being my father about the same time Andrew and I became parents. As any long-time follower of this blog will know, my father made a decision to become a woman. It's been nearly 4 years now, and I cannot say I've yet adjusted to this. In fact, I might have coped better for the first 4 years than I think I will for the next. This is because as my own boys age I desperately feel the desire for them to have a grandfather. They are fortunate enough to have a Papa on Andrew's side, but I mourn the loss of the grandfather my own Dad would have been. He, of course, loves that I have children, and would love to be involved in their life, but I do not know how to accomplish that under the circumstances.
It is strange to lose a father without actually losing the person. I can still call and chat with my Dad, Sarah. I email with him. Occasionally we see my Dad with his long blond hair and girlish attire. I do know how much he still loves us and how much I still love him. However, it is not the same. Sometimes I feel like it is harder to have him as a woman than to not have him at all. Most times I feel grateful that the person who knows my history as my father is still around, but I cannot help but hope that he might change his mind and decide to be a man again. Though we love each other, it is different and it is painful and I miss actually having a Dad.
So, father's day is bittersweet and I would rather skip it altogether, however, there are still 3 men in my life (my Dad, my step-dad, and my husband) who are supposed to be honored on this day. My own desires to ignore the holiday only punishes them all and I need to move beyond my own frustration to appreciate what I do have - three men worthy of loving.
To begin festivities: Three "shoot worthy" bucks grazing in the neighbors front yard (one is behind a bush). The boys and I see this bucks a lot, but Andrew never had.
After a good day with the boys (where someone they really stayed sweet with each other and us all day) a steak dinner.
Complete with Birthday Cake (there actually is a cake under all that sauce), and ice cream even.
Some birthday spoils
My first experience catering for a large event (200+)
Me, the lovely graduate Jennifer, and our mom (most often referred to here as Gigi)
There was pool time at Gigi's
Ample time for grandson appreciation
He enjoyed himself
I was able to visit with my dear old roommate from long ago, finally remembering to bring a camera (as we were pregnant at the same time last time - her first my second - and again this time). This photo curtousy of Søren.
June also hosted many mornings and evenings on the back porch watching the garden grow. Harvests coming soon!
Have I mentioned lately how much I love this man?
These guys seem pretty fond of him too
My big guy
On his own
Here he is with his class, or is it team?
Elliot gets to play with the other younger siblings while we wait.
Today a tree above our garden was chosen as a temporary home for a new bee swarm. I have never seen this happen before and it is amazing! I only wish we could have seen them come in for landing (the swarm is typically the size of a small car before condensing down to a tight ball - in our case, football sized). I have tried to get close enough for good pictures, but at this point I'd pretty much have to climb the tree.....which it is unlikely my husband will let me do while pregnant.
More delightful still is that the farm where we get our milk and eggs (and that whole Angus!) has hives (though they had lost a few of their colonies), so he is coming out in an hour to lop off the branch and transfer it to a hive which he will come back and pick up in the evening when the bees have settled. Right now the scout bees are busy looking for a permanent home, tonight they will all be resting.
For some reason this is all very exciting to me as bees are so critical to life on our planet as we know it. Additionally, helping my farmer track down new hives might ensure us a good supply of local raw honey =)
Here are some updated photos of our garden. It brings me so much joy to know that so many of our seeds we saved ourselves, or were given by friends. I am also excited to know that I can save seeds for everything at the end of the season and have next year's garden supplied as well as have gifts to pass on to our friends.
In other good garden news, everything is growing well, and we discovered some extra "starts" in our compost pile for potatoes and squash! (Potatoes are the large plants growing in the center and the squash are the little green sprouts filling the bottom left)
Plus, I have this adorable garden gnome that dances about between the garden paths.
Sometimes I can catch him for a minute or two.
...who threatens to punch him in the face...
...actually they were going for "knuckles" and high fives.
Here's the bean wall half-strung (it is now finished)
